<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Don't Paint Wonderful Lies On Me by AtrophicGalaxy</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23381965">Don't Paint Wonderful Lies On Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtrophicGalaxy/pseuds/AtrophicGalaxy'>AtrophicGalaxy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bastille (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 14:49:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23381965</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtrophicGalaxy/pseuds/AtrophicGalaxy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>That was one of the reasons why Dan hated these types of conversations. He didn’t understand, couldn’t relate. It made him feel like an alien, this strange out of place being observing the real people who experienced normal things. Dan didn’t have the same urges.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Dan is asexual and he's been burnt before. Trying to navigate that, and his own head, in such close proximity to the rest of the band takes its toll. And then there's Kyle.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kyle Simmons/Dan Smith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm going to be playing fast and loose with timelines because this is, after all, fiction. I'm probably going to be slow-ish to update, please bear with me!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan sat on the bus, scrolling through his phone, not really looking at anything in particular. He just needed the distraction, something to put between him and reality. This was their first real tour bus, and compared to the van they had used before, it was a luxury. It was still close quarters though, and they spent days and days on it together. A far cry from the brief trips across their small country in a borrowed van. </p><p>“Look,” Kyle continued the conversation, “All I’m saying is that we need a system, alright?”</p><p>“You thinking of pulling a lot of girls, then?” Will said doubtfully.</p><p>“I do alright,” Kyle winked.</p><p>Will rolled his eyes.</p><p>“I still think we should have a ‘no sex on the bus’ rule,” Woody said, folding his arms.</p><p>Dan refreshed his twitter feed again. He didn’t want to have this conversation. So far he’d gotten away without much scrutiny about his dating life.</p><p>“That’s easy for you to say, you’ve got a girlfriend waiting for you back home,” Kyle responded.</p><p>“Dan agrees with me,” Woody shrugged.</p><p>“No he doesn’t!” Kyle insisted.</p><p>Dan felt his stomach plummet. His fingers tightened around his phone and he looked up. All three of them were looking at him expectantly.</p><p>“Dan?” Will asked.</p><p>“It’s, uh, not like I want to see any of that,” Dan said weakly. </p><p>Kyle sighed defeatedly.</p><p>“Three against one,” Woody said triumphantly.</p><p>Dan pulled at his shirt, tugging it down even though it hadn’t ridden up. </p><p>“Cheer up, Kyle,” Will said, “Just get off with girls in toilets like the rest of us.”</p><p>“Classy,” Kyle grimaced.</p><p>“Like you never,” Will shook his head, “Where’s the scummiest place you’ve had sex?”</p><p>Kyle smiled like he was reliving several good memories.</p><p>“Portaloo at a festival,” Woody said, “I’ll never do that again. Worse than club toilets, let me tell you.”</p><p>“Did it behind a skip once,” Will shrugged.</p><p>“Look, I get your point, but sometimes a man wants to lie down,” Kyle protested, but Dan could tell he’d already given up.</p><p>“As you rightly pointed out,” Woody said, “Some of us have girlfriends, and we’ll be patiently waiting for weeks, sometimes months at a time, so stop complaining mate.”</p><p>Kyle looked sympathetic at Woody’s statement. And that was one of the reasons why Dan hated these types of conversations. He didn’t understand, couldn’t relate. It made him feel like an alien, this strange out of place being observing the real people who experienced normal things. Dan didn’t have the same urges.</p><p>“What about you?” Kyle asked Dan.</p><p>“Me what?” Dan asked, still in the spiral of his own thoughts.</p><p>“What’s the grossest place you’ve ever had sex?” Kyle’s eyes shone naughtily.</p><p>“Oh, I dunno,” Dan shrugged, but his heart was starting to race with anxiety, “I guess a party?”</p><p>Woody and Will both groaned, like Dan had somehow ruined the game.</p><p>“Oh come off it,” Kyle said, throwing one of the small sofa pillows at Dan’s face.</p><p>Dan laughed, but not out of amusement. Dan disliked lying, and while it wasn’t a lie, he’d had an experience at a party, it still felt like a lie. It wasn’t sex, not proper sex, and his feelings about it were still a Gordian knot that lodged itself in his ribcage. It happened years ago and he still felt a little sick thinking about it.</p><p>“Alright, Mr. Romantic,” Will drawled.</p><p>“Yeah, you know me,” Dan said sarcastically, and that was dangerously close to being an actual lie. They didn’t know that part of him, and if Dan had his way, they never would. How could he explain to people that he doesn’t want to have sex? That he never has? That sometimes the thought of it makes his skin crawl? How would he explain that when he looks at people he’s ‘attracted to’ he thinks about what it would be like to hug them? That he thinks about holding them at night, about waking up together and making breakfast? </p><p>When Dan was a teenager he remembers overhearing his mum talking to her friend, saying, “Dan’s just a late bloomer.” It wasn’t the first time he’d felt shame about himself, growing up fat had taken care of that, but it was the first time he’d known there was something not-normal about him. Dan knew now that he was never going to “bloom.” While all his friends had been chasing girls, bragging about how far they’d gotten, Dan was picturing himself holding hands with Regina Spektor and what a thrill it would be to do a duet with her. But back then he’d felt this drive to tick off the boxes of a normal experience. He wanted the first kiss, the first date, the awkward sexual encounter that every teenager was supposed to have so that they could get it over with. Dan hadn’t been able to parse what was supposed to be normal and what he actually desired.</p><p>He’d felt so much pressure from family, friends, tv shows and movies. They all told him that men only wanted one thing, that he should be trying to get off with any girl that would have him. Being ‘sensitive’ and ‘creative’ and a fanboy of weird shows and music bought him a little leeway, in the eyes of others. He was weird enough for people to think that he was either too inept or unattractive to receive any attention. </p><p>Sometimes, he knew, people wondered if he was gay. He wondered that himself, but having sex with men was as unappealing as having sex with women for him. It wasn’t until he got to uni that he met a guy that piqued his interest. They’d shared a class together and the guy was confident and funny and into the same music. Dan had developed a crush on him instantly. He’d hung on this guy’s every word, made up reasons to be wherever this guy was going, found out what parties he went to. Of course the guy had a girlfriend, and Dan only understood later that he liked the safety of knowing he didn’t have a chance, of thinking that this guy wouldn’t want to have sex with him. An unavailable, supposedly straight guy was a place where Dan could indulge all his romantic fantasies without feeling like he had to think about sex. That’s what he’d thought. He’d been wrong.</p><p>Dan had never had a blueprint for how romance was supposed to work when sex wasn’t a part of it. He knew when people flirted that they were hinting at sex as much as they were hinting at wanting to date. He knew how many men wanted sex on the first date, and after a few months at uni he had begun to discover that plenty of women wanted that too. It wasn’t that Dan thought it was wrong, he just didn’t understand why he didn’t want it.</p><p>His roommates in uni had been too busy with their own escapades to notice Dan’s lack of them until they weren’t. It had come up on a drunken night out. Dan had been having a good time up until then. Dan couldn’t quite remember what they’d asked him, but his stupid drunken brain had let it slip that he’d never even kissed someone at that point. The clearest part of that night was the laughter that followed. It put Dan off ever telling anyone again.</p><p>+</p><p>Dan lay in his bunk that night, his mind still drawn to the night he wanted to forget with the guy from uni. The bus vibrated and rocked and occasionally jerked as it sped down the highway between American cities. The others had taken to sleeping on the bus fairly easily, but Dan still struggled. Usually he blamed the espresso he had before performing and the adrenalin, but the truth was he struggled even when they didn’t have a show. When there were no distractions, just him alone in the dark in the coffin of his bunk, his mind had free rein to parade his many worries and anxieties through his consciousness.</p><p>He often worried about the state of the world; global warming and war and bigotry and the ceaseless cruelty of the human race. Each moment spent on the internet was a new opportunity to learn about the worst of humanity. He was regularly filled with existential dread. Normally he’d hope for a distraction from it, but now that memories were surfacing that he’d rather forget, he thought he might prefer anxiety about things greater than himself more.</p><p>Dan grabbed his phone from where it was buried amongst his covers and pressed the voice recorder app. He hummed a bassline quietly into his phone. It had been circling around his head, a backing track to his flashback. Music was his lifeline, and he was grateful to have an outlet. Creating was one of the few things that eased the pressure that was a constant in his mind. It took him away from the sharpness of his feelings and made a place for him to process them, to express them, to change them, to destroy them. He could fictionalise his emotions and at least for a little while, he was separate from them.</p><p>A flash of fear sparked through his chest again and this time Dan brought his phone up to his lips.</p><p>
  <i>“Oooh, I’m not ready, oooh I’m not ready.”</i>
</p><p>Dan sang the line softly a few times, his voice cracking at the end. He hadn’t been ready that night at the party. He was never going to be ready.</p><p>A sound of shifting from one of the bunks made Dan freeze, his heart hammering like he’d been caught doing something bad. Dan listened intently, waiting for signs that he’d woken someone but none came. </p><p>Carefully Dan got out of his bunk and moved to the back of the bus where the little common room was. He still had more of this song to get out and he knew he needed to do it before it left his mind. He didn’t have the idea fully formed yet, but certain lines were coming to him. He curled up on the sofa and sang whatever came to him, trying out a few versions of different lines. </p><p>
  <i>“If I’m not ready, snakes will consume me whole, if I’m not steady, baby they’ll take control.”</i>
</p><p>Dan opened his eyes to find Kyle standing in the doorway staring at him.</p><p>“Sorry,” Kyle mumbled. He smiled sheepishly.</p><p>Kyle was only wearing his boxers, looking sleep dishevelled with his hair in a mess. It was a sight Dan was used to, they’d been living on top of each other long enough, but right now it made Dan curl tighter in on himself. Dan was in a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, but he wanted to cover himself up more.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Dan said.</p><p>“S’cool,” Kyle shrugged, “Sounds good.”</p><p>Kyle plopped himself down next to Dan on the sofa, almost sitting on Dan’s feet. He leaned back, head lolling on the top of the backrest. It exposed Kyle’s throat and presented a long uninterrupted line all the way down his chest and stomach. Dan shifted. It was fine and it was Kyle but it was skin. Lots of skin. It looked good and that was the worst part. Normally there was easy affection between them, and Dan loved that. Kyle touched Dan so readily, made him feel safe and supported. Kyle never wanted anything from Dan, except maybe attention, which Dan was more than happy to provide. If it weren’t for the memories of the guy from uni, of the night at the party, Dan wouldn’t have blinked at Kyle’s state of undress.</p><p>“Sing that line for me again?” Kyle asked, “The one about not being ready?”</p><p>Dan ran a hand through his hair and obliged.</p><p>Kyle sang the line back at him, deeper than Dan had sung it. It sounded good in Kyle’s voice, comforting. It didn’t sound like the inside of Dan’s head anymore. Dan relaxed, the tension that had been rising in him released like a sigh in his core.</p><p>A lot of the stuff Dan had written for <i>Bad Blood</i> was more fiction than anything. Storytelling. Dan trying on different masks and different lives.  And then there were songs like <i>These Streets</i>, which he’d written after <i>that</i> night. His heart laid bare and no one knew because he’d never told anyone about it. He’d rambled on at Will once about the, but he’d talked about the themes, spoken around the reality of it. The memory had been there, a heavy ghost in the back of Dan’s mind, and he’d almost told Will, who had been nodding, patiently listening to him. Dan was glad he’d kept it to himself, after Will joked about never asking him about a song again. </p><p>So far a lot of the new stuff he was working on was more about his own feelings, even if the scenarios weren’t directly autobiographical. Dan struggled with the dichotomy of wanting to express himself authentically, and fear of people truly knowing him. There were parts of him that he couldn’t tell anyone about.</p><p><i>“I know I know I know it’s not the right way to go, but I pray for the ground to swallow me whole,”</i> Dan sang into the phone. </p><p>Dan looked up and locked eyes with Kyle. A shiver ran down Dan’s spine. For a second Dan felt like Kyle was staring right into his soul and Dan had no idea what Kyle would find there. Kyle licked his lips and looked away.</p><p>“I’m gonna try get some sleep,” Kyle said, standing up.</p><p>Dan immediately missed having Kyle in his space.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan was pleasantly drunk, hanging off Kyle’s shoulder as they walked into the bar. They’d already had a few beers backstage after the gig.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was wicked,” Dan said too loudly, talking about the show that night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah!” Kyle responded, his eyes going all crinkly. Kyle slung his arm around Dan’s waist and squeezed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan’s insides fizzed happily. Dan pressed himself further into Kyle’s side. He loved this. Dan was a pretty affectionate guy, moreso when he was drunk, but Kyle far surpassed him, drunk or sober. It always made Dan feel so good, safe and grounded. Valuable. Kyle was always there on stage to hug him, to revel in the awe that this was the job they got to do. Kyle would reach out and squeeze whatever part of Dan he could find when he laughed sometimes, like he needed Dan to join in, which Dan always did. Kyle’s laugh was infectious. In interviews sometimes Kyle would rest his hand on Dan’s leg or shoulder or back and it always helped calm Dan’s nerves. Dan had quickly come to depend on Kyle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Drinks!” Woody declared heading straight for the bar to order. Will followed him, already stumbling a bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How does he get so drunk so quickly?” Kyle laughed before dragging Dan along after the other two.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dunno!” Dan shrugged, “It’s a gift and a curse!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right, like, I like this tipsy feeling,” Kyle said, “S’fun. Will just gets plastered immediately.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I like it too,” Dan nodded, and his vision swam a bit. He was a bit past tipsy already, but then he hadn’t eaten much, the lack of sleep having killed his appetite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I knew this girl once, right? Who could drink half a bottle of vodka and not get drunk,” Kyle said, “Can you imagine that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re joking,” Dan said in disbelief, “Like at all?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, like, totally, totally sober,” Kyle insisted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d rather be like Will,” Dan said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“As should you all,” Will piped in, appearing beside them holding three beers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Will handed a beer each to Dan and Kyle and Woody joined them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cheers mates,” Woody said, holding out his beer to clink with Will first, “I told you all that we’d end up playing arenas!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh piss off, I’m not cheersing that!” Dan laughed, “To pessimism!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle giggled, jostling Dan who was still glued to his side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I, being the nice guy that I am, will cheers both of those things!” Kyle said, clinking glasses first with Dan and then with Woody.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woody’s got enough ambition for all of us,” Will smiled, tapping his beer to Kyle’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They all drank and it wasn’t long before Kyle was glancing about the bar.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s some cute girls over there,” Kyle said, gesturing with his beer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan looked. They were pretty enough, but Dan needed more than a glance across a bar to find someone aesthetically pleasing. Dan shrugged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You coming?” Kyle asked, already leaving Dan’s side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, mate, I’m good,” Dan mumbled, eyes going to the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I swear Dan, you are like a sex ninja or something, when do you get off with people?” Kyle shook his head in bemusement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The post gig euphoria fled like a startled bird, a sudden flurry of panic left in its wake. Dan folded his arms around himself. He didn’t know how to answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sure you’re not coming?” Kyle said, clearly raring to go.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m just gonna head back to the bus,” Dan said, his voice sounding hollow in his own ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” Will slurred, “I’m drunk.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess that ends the night for the rest of us,” Woody said, not sounding like he minded, “Have fun, mate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I will,” Kyle winked, “You know how much American girls like the old accent.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Woody shook his head with a smile and they all headed out. Dan took one last look at Kyle, already talking to two girls who were smiling and laughing. Kyle was charming, Dan had seen it many times before. His stomach felt like lead. Dan wished he could be like that, not whatever awkward weird thing he was. Dan wished he still had Kyle’s arm around him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>+</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan lay in his bunk. It was better when the bus wasn’t moving, especially after drinking, but Dan knew sleep wouldn’t come for him again. He felt restless, ansty, and lying down, doing nothing wasn’t helping. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a sigh Dan got up. Woody and Will had gone to bed as soon as they’d gotten back a few hours ago. Dan could hear a faint snore coming from Will’s bunk. Dan made his way to the back of the bus and got his laptop out to watch something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan was only a few minutes in when Kyle appeared at the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Kyle asked. He looked glassy eyed and relaxed, mellowed out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you?” Dan responded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am awesome,” Kyle smiled dopily, “It was a great night. Could have been longer, but the bus is leaving soon. Not that I wasn’t, you know, finished.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan nodded like he knew from experience what Kyle was saying. Dan had gotten used to pretending to fit in. He never said anything specific enough as to be a lie, but he knew what to say and do to not attract any attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle slumped into the seat next to Dan, legs sprawled and body loose and languid. Dan couldn’t help but be a little jealous, not just that Kyle wanted to and did have sex, but because it made Kyle feel so good. Dan had heard from all and sundry the many wonders of sex and orgasms. Dan had had orgasms, of course he had, many many times, but he always expected them to feel better than they did. It was always a let down for him, no better than a sneeze. He wondered if they felt better, whether he’d actually want to have sex with people. Or maybe sex with other people was just that much nicer and that’s why everyone who had done it was so crazy about it. After the guy at uni, Dan hadn’t even wanted to try.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m knackered,” Kyle gave a big yawn, “Might just sleep here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan shrugged noncommittally. He always wanted Kyle’s company, but right now that meant thinking about the glaringly obvious sex he’d just had. Dan was too drunk to deal with his messed up feelings. When he was on his own, sometimes imagining someone touch him was nice, sometimes it even approached arousing, but confronted with the reality of sex, Dan just wanted it to not exist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to carry on watching,” Dan gestured towards his laptop, desperate for distraction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle hummed in acknowledgement, already falling asleep. Dan watched as Kyle slipped into unconsciousness. He looked peaceful, soft. Dan wished he could join him but his insides were a tightly coiled spring. Dan wanted to return to the moment in the bar, when he had Kyle’s arm around his waist and he’d felt safe and happy.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Months went by and they got somewhat used to their new normal. Their music just kept getting bigger and bigger and tours got extended, more dates booked in more countries and suddenly they were flying all over the world. They even had shows booked in South Africa for the end of the year, which Dan was buzzing about. Never in his wildest dreams did he think his weird music would appeal to so many people that he'd get to perform in so many places, but especially the country his parents had grown up in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan was mostly able to escape scrutiny about his dating life, Kyle seemed to accept that Dan was never going to pick up random girls and had made his peace with that. Will started dating someone and that helped keep things more mellow in that department. More often than not, after a night out Kyle would head back with the rest of them instead of going off with some girl like he used to. They'd hang out drunkenly talking shit, sometimes all four of them, and sometimes just Dan and Kyle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan loved those nights when it quietened down but they weren’t ready to sleep yet. Sometimes it was just quietly being in each other's company, sometimes that was when things got said that couldn’t be said in daylight. Kyle told Dan about his nightmares one night. He'd mentioned being scared of sharks before but in that way people turn their fears into something of a joke, a bravado laced admission.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it sounds stupid,” Kyle said, shaking his head. He was sat in his spot on the sofa in the bus, next to Dan. Kyle kept stroking his beard and fiddling with his rings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t,” Dan said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just like- you know how when you’re in a dream, right? And you’re like, feeling the emotion of the situation- and it’s so vivid, yeah?” Kyle explained, “It sounds stupid to say, like, I dreamt about a shark attacking me, but in the nightmare it really feels like it’s happening.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not stupid, Kyle,” Dan said, reaching out and wrapping his hand around Kyle’s bicep. Kyle was so skinny that Dan’s whole hand almost encased Kyle’s arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle let out a breath and some of the tension left his body. He leaned into Dan’s touch and Dan couldn’t help but ran his thumb up and down Kyle’s bicep. His skin was so smooth and Dan could feel lean muscle beneath his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It feels real,” Kyle whispered</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Dan replied, and shifted closer to Kyle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle watched Dan from beneath half closed lids, his face going peaceful and soft.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever get bad dreams?” Kyle asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About?” Kyle prompted, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh </span>
  </em>
  <span>how tempted Dan was to say. In this little bubble, late at night where secrets lived, so close to his best friend they were almost on top of each other. It would be so easy for Dan to grab a knife and slit himself open from navel to throat. What future would Kyle be able to divine from his spilled guts?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you girls whispering about?” Woody’s voice popped the bubble.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Temptation fled and Dan retreated into his shell. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You jealous?” Kyle smirked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of you or Dan?” Woody shot back, making his way over to the bar fridge and fetching himself a bottle of water.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dan, of course,” Kyle wiggles his body, “Everybody wants some of this. You should be so lucky!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Woody rolled his eyes, “I dunno, I think Dan is more my type.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like your men broody and mysterious, ‘ey?” Kyle nodded sagely, “Or is it the hair?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up,” Dan groaned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no- I get it, right?” Kyle said, leaning away from Dan so that he could take him all in. Dan’s hand slipped from Kyle’s arm. “I mean, look at you. I would.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan huffed out a smile and shook his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah mate, it’s the eyes that get me,” Woody regarded Dan with a playful smirk, “And the fact that he’d still respect me in the morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Kyle protested, “I’d respect you! I’d respect the shit out of you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure you would,” Woody giggled, and armed with the water he’d come to fetch, began to leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woody, come back here,” Kyle demanded, “I would romance you so hard!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Woody pretended to ignore Kyle, making his way back to his bunk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woody!” Kyle yelled, “You’d fall in love with me and that’s a fact!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A muffled shout of “fuck off!” came from Will’s bunk and Dan watched Kyle fight the temptation to shout again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle turned to Dan and spoke more quietly, “I’m a catch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woody would be lucky to have you,” Dan said, not even really joking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have many fine qualities,” Kyle insisted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Dan nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I’m well respectful,” Kyle said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d pick you over me any day,” Dan said, “Woody’s an idiot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ok, wait, no,” Kyle immediately reached out and grabbed Dan’s wrist, “That’s not what I meant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan shrugged and smiled like it was no big deal, “I know, I just…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And there it was again. All the things Dan couldn’t say. Dan was already nearing 30 and he’d never been in a relationship. He didn’t think he was particularly date-able. He wasn’t physically attracted to people and he didn’t want to have sex, how was he supposed to find someone who was ok with that? Of course Dan knew there were other people like him out there, but it wasn’t like people really advertised that type of thing. Dan didn’t think he was ever going to have that moment of meeting someone and just hitting it off with them. Even if he knew where to find people like him, it wasn’t like Dan wanted to date just anyone. His romantic type was hard to pin down, but Dan knew he was picky. He wasn’t hit with romantic attraction often, and even he couldn’t quite figure out what the notable difference between friendship and romance was. It just struck him sometimes and he couldn’t define it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t like Dan was lonely. He had great friends and family. He never lacked company and especially with Kyle around, Dan was never short on affection either. That didn’t stop the ache inside of him, that arose from time to time. He longed to know what it was like to be loved romantically. He wanted to experience that, he wanted to love that person back without having to worry about sex.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dan, you’re amazing,” Kyle squeezed Dan’s wrist tighter, “You see all those girls throwing themselves at you every night, you could have any one of them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan’s insides curdle. That wasn’t what he wanted at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks mate,” Dan faked a yawn, “I’m tired, I’m going to go to bed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan left abruptly. If Kyle thought Dan was insecure or didn’t know how to deal with compliments, well then he was not wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan didn’t sleep.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much to everyone who leaves comments, it means the absolute world to me</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I got-” Kyle laughs nervously, “I got wanked off in French class. In like secondary school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan stares at Kyle for a second, not quite believing his ears. He'd already been in a panic after the interviewer had asked about any awkward romantic encounters. Dan has two whole stories, the guy at uni and the time after he'd moved back to London and went on one failed date with a girl. He'd been so nervous he hadn't noticed how much he was drinking and had gotten drunk. She had driven so she was completely sober. Neither of those stories were ones he wanted to tell, and it looked like he wouldn't have to because Kyle was forging ahead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan laughed, more out of shock that Kyle was saying this all out loud on camera. And he just kept going. Dan could feel his face getting red. Dan didn't think of himself as a prude, despite his lack of interest in sex and his sometimes discomfort with it. Dan enjoyed a good dick joke, had told the story about having to get his boss's wife's sex toy repaired. Those were instances where Dan had control of the situation, though. He made the choice to joke about it or bring it up when he was comfortable with it. The double entendre of “I need Dick” was funny, but it was also safe. It wasn't about real dick at all. But this was almost too much for him. It had been awhile since Dan was confronted with Kyle's sexual appetite and the story, the whole situation, tied Dan's stomach in knots.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So that was kind of awkward,” Kyle said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But good, right?” Dan said, on autopilot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, who’s going to turn that down?” Kyle asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For Dan, the situation sounded like a nightmare. Almost sounded like his nightmare. But Dan knew how most guys felt, that every sexual situation was welcome. Dan was the odd one, the one who didn’t want to be touched or to touch like that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Was it a particularly sexy French lesson?” Dan asked, trying to understand. Sometimes, if there was a truly intimate, not just raunchy, sex scene in a movie or on tv, Dan might feel something about it. Just seeing a pair of tits or a man’s arse didn’t do it for him, but seeing people kiss like they loved each other, seeing people showing true care physically, that stirred something in Dan sometimes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were times, when Dan was alone and his brain was less messy, when he could imagine that he didn’t hate it. Maybe a soft girl beneath him would feel good. Maybe a man holding him from behind, kissing his neck, making him feel safe and cared for, maybe that was something he wanted. And then Dan thought about actually doing that, not just in his head where the images were fleeting and even alluring, but what it might be like in reality. It stopped Dan cold, everytime. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I was just that age,” Kyle shrugged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan couldn’t relate to that. Yes, with puberty had come erections, but Dan was realising more and more what an un-horny teenager he’d been. And he was even less so in adulthood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about you?” Kyle asked</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uuuuh,” Dan’s mind scrambled, “Oh yeah, lots of, </span>
  <em>
    <span>lots</span>
  </em>
  <span> of awkward, embarrassing situations, maybe not as many as I’m comfortable to share as Kyle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan was a terrible, no-good liar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of the interview passed in a blur, Dan’s mind more whirlpool than thoughts. On the heels of uncomfortable, awkward, anxious, came anger. Anger at the world for being so sexual that Dan couldn’t catch a breath. Anger at himself for needing a breath at all. Dan tried to hide it, took himself off away from the rest of the band. Isolation just made it worse, there was no distraction from his stupid brain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That afternoon on stage, Dan forced his voice until his throat hurt, singing through the feeling that he was choking. He threw his body around the stage, jumped until his legs burned. He avoided his bandmates, turning his attention to the crowd rather. A nameless, faceless mash of people and if they hated him at least it was for all the wrong reasons. They would never know the broken part of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan jumped off the stage and it was just high enough that it hurt to land. Dan approached the swarm of people, ignoring the security men around him. He climbed the barricade, emboldened by the ripple of excitement from the audience. One of the security men gripped him by the back of his trousers, keeping him from being swallowed up by the mess of people. Dan was used to it, but right then it felt like oppression rather than a safety measure. Dan broke free and launched himself into the crowd. He’d be damned before he let another person control him. Let the wolves have him, he didn’t need his body anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All Dan knew for the next thirty seconds were hands. Grapsing, pulling, shoving. They tugged hard on his hair, almost ripped his clothes, half exposed his body that he was still ashamed of. It was everything Dan was feeling, the tumult of his mind sank into the crowd. Feral and furious. And Dan sang through it, jostled and mistreated as he was. Somehow they got him back to the barricade and then security were hauling him down, depositing him in the largely empty space between the barricade and the stage. No man’s land. Dan laughed breathlessly. That’s what he felt like.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of the short set passed in a blur and as Dan walked off stage his body thrummed with a mix of fatigue and agitation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Kyle asked, his brow furrowed in concern.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Dan replied, wiping his sweaty face on a towel, “That was wicked.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was mental,” Will said, shaking his head with a smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you say you're not a rockstar,” Woody joked, slapping Dan on the back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle smiled but he hovered near Dan as they left the backstage area and walked to where the golf cart waited to take them to their greenroom. Dan slowed his stride, letting Will and Woody go on ahead of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sooo,” Kyle said, shoving his hands into his pockets, “That was a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Crazy crowd,” Dan nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was kind of worried about you for a second there,” Kyle admitted, bringing his shoulders up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm alright,” Dan reassured him, touched that Kyle cared, “Might have a few bruises.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle frowned, “Are you sure? After that interview you kind of- uh-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan stopped short and Kyle, ever in sync, stopped right along with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I what?” Dan asked, wondering if he could feign ignorance. He wasn’t that good of an actor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know you can talk to me, right?” Kyle’s eyes found Dan’s and </span>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dan believed him. If Dan wanted, he could spill his guts right here, bleed all over Kyle and be done with it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan opened his mouth to say it. He watched as Kyle readied himself, his hands twitching towards Dan like he was ready to catch him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan’s voice caught in his throat. He wanted to tell Kyle everything. He wanted to say the words “I am asexual” out loud for the first time in his life. He wanted to tell Kyle about the guy at uni and how confused and awful he’d felt about it, how he still couldn’t say if he’d wanted it, or if it was his fault. He wanted to tell Kyle that sometimes sex disgusted him and sometimes he found himself wondering if the circumstances were right, if the person was right, if maybe there was a world in which he could enjoy it. Dan </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kyle to know him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kyle</span>
  </em>
  <span> to know him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Dan couldn’t get his voice to work, he’d spent so long not saying it that he didn’t know how to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Kyle sagged, “Ok.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Kyle walked away.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There's some description of past dub-con in this chapter. I'd say it's fairly light, but stay safe guys.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dan got drunk. Sloppily, brazenly, angrily shitfaced. He stumbled around the festival grounds, having lost the other band members and crew hours ago. It was dark, late and Dan could hear the various bands closing out the night. He was alone, surrounded by people and the metaphor was way too on the nose for Dan. He bit out a bitter laugh and brought the plastic cup to his lips to drink, only to find it empty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Dan muttered to himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He crushed the plastic cup in his hand. Kyle was angry with him. Or something. Dan hadn’t meant to let him down. Dan only wanted Kyle to think the best of him. Kyle was his safe space and Dan didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. From pretty much the first time Dan had met Kyle he’d been aware of how sexual Kyle was. It had never felt threatening, Kyle tempered it with a soft and genuinely caring side, but it was obvious. Kyle never failed to point out if something looked like a dick or a vagina. He was open about the fact that he wanted lots of sex. It was never about bragging, Kyle was pretty guileless about it. For Kyle sex was a major fact of life. The sky was blue, gravity existed and wanting to have sex all the time was as natural as breathing. How could Kyle think that Dan was anything but broken?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan threw the plastic cup to the ground. It gave a dissatisfying and lackluster bounce. Dan sighed. He was damned either way now. He could tell Kyle he was asexual and face Kyle’s confusion, judgement, maybe even pity, or he could stay quiet and risk driving Kyle away that way. Neither of those options looked like anything Dan wanted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan slumped to the ground beside his cup and stared at it forlornly. Maybe he could just stay there with his cup. Crumpled. Empty. They could lie together on the cold wet ground. The cup would never leave him, it was plastic and Dan was flesh and Dan would decay first. Dan picked up the cup, feeling guilty. He really should find a bin, it wasn’t right to litter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he fished it out, fumbling it and almost dropping it a few times. It rang off before he could answer. There were upwards of thirty missed calls. Dan felt dread settle over him like a cold blanket.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His phone rang again and Will’s number came up. Dan answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dan? Where the fuck are you?” came Will’s angry reply.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dunno,” Dan glanced around, “In a field.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were supposed to leave two hours ago!” Will yelled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Will didn’t yell often. Dan felt sick.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Dan squeezed his eyes shut, “I forgot- I didn’t- I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Will sighed, “Look, just tell me where you are, I’ll come find you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m lost,” Dan said, and he didn’t just mean physically.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What can you see around you?” Will asked, sounding less exasperated than Dan knew he was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can see a line of toilets,” Dan followed Will’s instruction, “And a fence.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan blinked his eyes a few times. Everything was blurry and he didn’t know if it was because he was drunk or if it was just his eyes. He couldn’t remember if he was wearing contacts. Had he lost his glasses?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to need more than that, Dan,” Will said. His voice was calming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re a really nice person, Will,” Dan sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” Will sounded bemused, “What else can you see? Are you near a stage?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um,” Dan looked around again, “No, I’m not near a stage. There’s some weird sculpture of like, people dancing or- no wait, they’re having sex. I hate it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Only you would critique art while that drunk,” Will laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan frowned. It wasn’t the art that he was talking about, not really.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I know where you are,” Will carried on, “Go stand by the sculpture and don’t move. I’ll come and find you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, ok,” Dan said miserably.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked over to the sculpture and studied it. The people looked happy. Rapturous. Dan envied them. Reviled them. Longed to be them, to know what it was like to be touched and loved and satisfied. To like it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan hadn’t liked it. That night in uni. With him. And Dan snarled at himself for how big it felt considering how little and insignificant it was. Dan slumped to the ground and hugged his knees. He’d been drunk, like he was now. Messed up, like he was now. Yearning, like he was now. He’d followed the guy around like a lost puppy, desperate for any scrap of attention. They’d ended up on a sofa, the lights dim, everyone drunk or high out of their minds. The guy had been telling Dan about how his girlfriend had broken up with him. Dan had felt bad that he’d felt a little thrill, that maybe now was his chance. He talked, Dan listened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At some point Dan had started to fall asleep, his head slumped onto the guy’s shoulder. The guy had started running his fingers up and down Dan’s arm. Dan had thought </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘this is nice, I like this, this is what I want.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> He’d been so stupid. The guy had started undoing Dan’s jeans and as much as Dan didn’t want </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>, his first thought was that maybe this was his chance, maybe if he tried it, he’d like it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan had tried to kiss him, but the guy turned his head away. So Dan kissed his neck instead, adrenalin and alcohol numbing the part of him that knew that was a bad sign. The guy had said, “Don’t give me a hickey,” and then stuck his hand in Dan’s jeans. Dan wasn’t hard and he’d panicked, told the guy to stop three times, pulling at his arm, before he did. Dan didn’t know what possessed him to do what he did next, except that he’d wanted so badly to have some sort of normal experience. Dan had shoved his hand into the guys pants and started wanking him off. Dan tried to kiss him again, mashing their mouths together desperately. The guy had pulled away and said, “Slower.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan’s cheeks had burned, he’d felt so awkward and ashamed at how inexperienced he was. When Dan wanked, he did it quickly to get it over and done with, he’d just assumed other men liked it too. Dan slowed his hand but the longer he went on, the grosser he felt. Dan had wanted something more romantic than that. Dan hadn’t wanted that at all. Dan had pulled his hand out and mumbled something about going to the bathroom and fled. The next day the guy had gotten back together with his girlfriend. They never spoke again. Dan had spent the next week holed up in his bedroom, wondering why he was crying over some dude he’d never even been in a relationship with. His roommates had congratulated him on finally having gotten some.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dan?” Will’s voice broke Dan out of his memory. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan scrubbed away at the tears forming in his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I’m so shit,” Dan mumbled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, so we’re having one of those nights,” Will said with the same bemused sympathy he always had when Dan was a mess.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan nodded miserably.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think you could have your pity party on the bus instead of in a muddy field?” Will asked with a pained smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, fuck, sorry,” Dan said, scrambling to get up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan wasn’t the most coordinated at the best of times and being drunk made it ten times worse. Dan slipped and flailed, landing on his side and getting covered in mud.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, you poor sod,” Will said, reaching out and helping Dan to his feet. Will did most of the work in getting Dan upright.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Dan said again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe save some of that for later,” Will suggested as he began leading Dan to wherever the bus was, his arm around Dan’s shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kyle’s mad at me,” Dan sighed sadly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mate, everyone is pretty mad right now,” Will replied.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah but Kyle was mad before,” Dan wrapped his arms around himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh?” Will asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should’ve just told him,” Dan rambled on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Told him what?” Will continued to lead Dan through what Dan could only imagine was a maze constructed by an evil madman, out of trailers and fences and boxes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m an idiot,” Dan continued.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, I think Kyle already knows that,” Will laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan stopped dead in his tracks, forcing Will to stop with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dan, come on, we have to get going,” Will urged him, trying to pull him along.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No one will ever love me,” Dan said, pulling his arms tighter around himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true,” Will said, patting Dan on the back, “Plenty of people love you, Dan.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not the way I want them to,” Dan sniffed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>you want to be loved?” Will asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan’s mind whirred, drunken sludgy thoughts going everywhere and nowhere at once. It was probably the most daunting, frightening, important question Dan had ever been asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to be safe,” Dan said, the only way he could summarize the storm of feelings that threatened to carry him away, “I want to be me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dan, who are you not safe with?” Will locked eyes with him, deep concern written across his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan opened his mouth, uni guy’s name on his lips. He didn’t even like to think his name, let alone say it. But even in his muddled mind, Dan knew that it was more than that. It wasn’t one misguided night, one awkward instance. It was everything; the pressure and expectations of the world, of what it was to be a man, to be an adult, to be a person. The way everyone talked about sex, Dan didn’t know how to be anymore. He didn’t know how to exist in the world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everyone,” Dan answered, and he watched as Will frowned sadly.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wow. It's been a while since I updated this. Life happened and among other things I got a job ghostwriting and I didn't have time to work on my own stuff. But I had the day off and thought to myself "Oh hey, maybe on my day off from writing, I should write!"</p>
<p>Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait. Hopefully it won't be another 4-ish months before I update again!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will led Dan to the car park where the bus was waiting for them. The mud on Dan’s clothes was drying in some places, coming off in puffs of sand. In others it still clung to him, cold and wet.</p>
<p>“What the fuck, Dan?” Dick asked as they approached. His expression said all Dan needed to know about how much trouble he was in.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Dan mumbled, “I’ve ruined everything.”</p>
<p>Woody and Kyle appeared at the bus door and Dan couldn’t look at them.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Will said, “Dan’s feeling a little sensitive right now, so I think let’s save the chastising until tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“No, s’fine, I deserve it,” Dan hugged his chest.</p>
<p>“Oh God, one of those nights, is it?” Woody muttered, “Just get in the bus and let’s go.”</p>
<p>Woody disappeared back into the bus but Kyle stayed at the door, eyeing Dan.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Woody’s right,” Dick said, ushering Dan and Will onto the bus.</p>
<p>Dan risked a glance at Kyle as he got on the bus, expecting to see anger and disappointment. Instead Kyle just looked concerned, and somehow that was worse. Dan started to edge past Kyle. The bus set off and Kyle had to grab Dan to keep him steady. He gripped Dan’s shoulders and his touch was so firm, the most true and real and calm thing Dan had experienced all night.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Dan said for the hundredth time that night.</p>
<p>“It’s alright,” Kyle said. His hands were warm. Dan didn’t want Kyle to ever stop touching him.</p>
<p>Desire to pull Kyle into a hug bubbled up in Dan. Desire to melt into him, to find solace against his burning brain. But Dan knew he didn’t deserve it.</p>
<p>“It’s not alright,” Dan said. The guilt he felt threatened to overwhelm him.</p>
<p>“Mate…” Kyle seemed at a loss for words.</p>
<p>Dan might have his moments of maudlin drunkenness, and they’d all had to talk Dan through his fear of performing at one point or another, but Dan usually kept this pain buried so deep that even alcohol couldn’t touch it. Dan sniffed and tried to pull it together.</p>
<p>“Come on, Dan,” Will said from behind them, “You just need to sleep, we can talk about it in the morning.”</p>
<p>Dan nodded and he followed Kyle through to the bunks. Will remained a firm presence behind him, reaching out to steady Dan as he listed to one side or another. Woody was already lying in his bunk, but the curtain was still open.</p>
<p>“Alright, mate?” Woody asked.</p>
<p>“I’m so lucky to have you all,” Dan said, “I know I’m a mess.”</p>
<p>“Hey now,” Woody gave Dan a small smile, “That’s why you write such good songs. Besides, you’re our mess.”</p>
<p>“Thanks Woody,” Dan sniffed.</p>
<p>“Next time just be a mess on the bus, instead of lost in a field, right?” Woody gently scolded Dan.</p>
<p>Dan nodded.</p>
<p>“Kyle,” Will said, “Why don’t you help Dan find some clean clothes to change into.”</p>
<p>There was a nuance to the way Will said it that Dan knew he missed. Dan’s head was swimming, he was about five steps behind everyone else, trapped in his head with his own drunken thoughts.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Dan said, stumbling towards his bunk.</p>
<p>“Nah, mate,” Kyle said, stopping Dan with a hand on his arm, “You’re filthy, let’s get you in some clean clothes, you’ll thank me in the morning.”</p>
<p>Dan nodded, figuring that it was easier to just go along with Kyle than fight him at that point.</p>
<p>Kyle grabbed the clothes Dan normally slept in from his bunk and led him to the living room area past the bunks so they had more space. </p>
<p>“Come on, mate,” Kyle said, pulling at Dan’s shirt.</p>
<p>“Don’t look at me, ok?” Dan said, his insecurities suddenly at the front of his mind. Dan still had stretch marks on his stomach, they hadn’t gone away when he’d lost weight, only turned white.</p>
<p>“It’s not anything I haven’t seen before,” Kyle laughed.</p>
<p>“Kyle,” Dan slurred seriously, blinking hard and trying to bring Kyle’s face into focus so he could make Kyle listen to him.</p>
<p>“Yeah, alright, no problem,” Kyle said. </p>
<p>Kyle looked away while he helped Dan out of his t-shirt, using his peripheral vision to see what he was doing. Dan crossed his arms in front of his chest while Kyle shoved his t-shirt in the laundry bag they had and then readied Dan’s sleep shirt. Kyle had to help Dan unbuckle his belt and steady him as he stepped out of his jeans.</p>
<p>“This is the most action I’ve seen in a while,” Kyle joked.</p>
<p>Dan didn’t laugh. Sober, he might have, to cover himself. But he didn’t have the energy to keep up the pretense that he was normal right then. Kyle helped Dan into his tracksuit pants, Dan having to hold onto Kyle’s shoulders to keep himself upright.</p>
<p>When Kyle straightened up Dan didn’t take his hands back. Kyle’s frame was so thin, despite his height, but he had lean, wiry muscle and Dan couldn’t stop himself from touching, circling his thumbs on Kyle’s shoulders. They locked eyes and Kyle came into focus, the first solid thing that Dan had seen in hours. Dan sighed in relief. Kyle was still there. Whatever fucked up mess Dan was, Kyle stayed with him. Since the moment he’d joined the band, Kyle had committed, not just to Bastille but to Dan. Of all the many people Dan had asked to play keyboard, Kyle was the only one who had said yes, and he’d kept saying yes. To Dan. </p>
<p>Dan had lots of friends. He didn’t know why they all liked him but they did. He did his best to make sure they all stayed, that they were all happy. With Kyle he didn’t have to try so hard, Dan just had to say the word and Kyle was there. </p>
<p>Dan’s stomach fluttered and his heart beat hard. </p>
<p>“Did you really enjoy having that girl wank you off?” Dan blurted out. It hadn’t been at the forefront of his mind until it was. </p>
<p>Kyle looked taken aback and it took him a moment to answer.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Kyle said with a frown, “Of course.”</p>
<p>“Why?” Dan asked beseechingly. He wanted to understand, maybe if Kyle explained it to him he’d find a way to feel it. </p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Kyle laughed, like it was obvious.</p>
<p>“Nevermind,” Dan mumbled, his hands falling from Kyle’s shoulders. He started to turn away.</p>
<p>“No, wait,” Kyle said, grabbing Dan’s arm and pulling him back to face him. “Are you serious?”</p>
<p>Dan nodded. He didn’t want to look into Kyle’s eyes anymore but he couldn’t not. Kyle’s gaze drew him back in. Those steady deep brown eyes, usually playfully crinkled, looked soft and serious. Safe.</p>
<p>“It’s just- nice?” Kyle said, struggling to find the words, but trying, “You know, exciting and naughty. I mean what teenage guy turns down a handjob?”</p>
<p>Dan’s eyes stung with unshed tears. There was a hole in his chest, hollow and oozing. Rotten.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, can I ask you something?” Kyle said, his tone serious. More serious than Kyle had ever sounded.</p>
<p>Dan nodded, trying to focus through the haze of alcohol. He wanted to give Kyle his full attention.</p>
<p>“Have you ever, like, been with a guy before?” Kyle asked. His eyes seemed to stare right through Dan, down to his core.</p>
<p>Under that gaze, Dan couldn’t help but look away. How was he supposed to answer that? The facts were that he had, but it had been awful. The facts were that romantically he was attracted to men as well as women. The facts were that he didn’t know how to say yes because it would mean one thing to Kyle and another thing to him. </p>
<p>“Because I have, so like, no judgement here,” Kyle continued.</p>
<p>Dan’s eyes snapped back to Kyle. Dan’s heart thudded painfully in his chest. Dan had only ever seen Kyle with girls, he thought all the flirting he did with his friends was just for fun. Dan had never considered that Kyle was actually attracted to men.</p>
<p>“Kind of,” Dan answered.</p>
<p>Kyle nodded like he expected Dan to say yes in some way, confirm his suspicions. Was that what Kyle thought Dan was keeping from him? Dan wished it were that simple. </p>
<p>“So are you gay?” Kyle asked, no judgement in his voice, just curiosity. Support.</p>
<p>“No,” Dan said.</p>
<p><i>Just say it,</i> Dan thought to himself, <i>Say the words ‘I’m asexual’ and finally be free of this.</i></p>
<p>“Yeah, me neither,” Kyle smiled. His tone said camaraderie, belonging.</p>
<p>Dan’s heart ached.</p>
<p>Kyle brought his right hand up and snaked it around the back of Dan’s neck. It was warm, comforting. He played with the hair at the back of Dan’s head and Dan melted into his touch. Dan liked touch. Affection. He longed to be held. He stepped closer and Kyle slid his other hand around Dan’s back. It felt good, like coming home. Dan placed his hands on Kyle’s hips, gripping him tightly, afraid he might fade away.</p>
<p>Dan made a small whine, muffled and choked. All the words he wanted to say stacked up in his throat, scratched at his vocal cords, clawing at him trying to escape. If there was ever a time it was now. Kyle might not understand it, but he wouldn’t abandon Dan either. He wouldn’t be mean or ridicule him. Dan opened his mouth to speak.</p>
<p>“I’m-”</p>
<p>Kyle kissed him. He captured Dan’s mouth in his own, sliding their lips together. He was firm but not urgent, moving his lips against Dan with practiced ease. Dan didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know how to kiss, he’d never had any training. There had been no teenage makeout sessions, his first kiss was barely that. He technically had more experience jacking someone off.</p>
<p>Dan’s lips moved of their own accord, sloppy and uncoordinated. Kyle sucked Dan’s bottom lip. His moustache and beard tickled Dan’s face. Dan’s mind screamed at him all the reasons he was a disappointment, a failure. He dug his fingers into Kyle’s hips.</p>
<p>Kyle pulled Dan close, their chests pressing together. Kyle licked into Dan’s mouth. His tongue was hot and wet and slippery. Dan didn’t think he liked it at all. He awkwardly moved his tongue, not sure if he was supposed to get it out the way or try and stick it into Kyle’s mouth. Kyle moaned, tightening his hand on Dan’s neck.</p>
<p>Dan panicked and pulled back. Kyle let him go, loosening his grip. His hands were soft on Dan, careful and kind and loving. He looked at Dan with bright gentle eyes, crinkled at the corners. His breathing was a little heavy, and so was Dan’s.</p>
<p>“I’m drunk,” Dan said, automatically wanting to cover for the fact that he must be terrible at kissing. His earlier need for confession had retreated, pushed down into his chest by shock and Kyle’s tongue.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you’re right,” Kyle said, taking Dan’s words as meaning something else entirely, “Can we talk about this in the morning?”</p>
<p>Dan nodded, out of words and out of his mind. He let Kyle guide him back to his bunk. Once Dan was lying down Kyle brushed his fingers through Dan’s hair and said goodnight. He climbed up into his bunk above Dan’s and Dan heard the curtain slide closed. Dan pulled his own curtain closed and curled up into a ball.</p>
<p>It was then Dan realised he was half hard. His body had reacted favourably even if his mind hadn’t. Dan didn’t understand how that could happen. The disconnect only made him feel worse about himself. He wasn’t sure if he’d rather his dick was limp, unmoved by Kyle entirely, or if he wished he could have gotten out of his head and just enjoyed it.</p>
<p>Dan put his headphones in and put on some podcast he could hopefully zone out to. Even in his drunken state sleep didn’t come easily. As his panic and self-hatred started to ebb away he was finally able to confront the reality of what had just happened. Kyle had kissed him. Dan had been so caught up in his anxieties he’d missed the headline. </p>
<p>So Kyle liked him. The thought made Dan fizz inside. He’d never even contemplated such a thing. Kyle was one of his best friends, he was everything Dan liked in a person. Dan liked that Kyle liked him. In fact, he more than liked it. Dan hadn’t had a crush since uni, had shut that part of himself down after that horrible night. This felt like a bit more than a crush, Dan already knew and loved Kyle as a friend. </p>
<p>Dan’s intoxicated mind finally caught up. </p>
<p>
  <i>Oh shit</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>